Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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