I think i peed on brittanys purse
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
