I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
