she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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