I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
