This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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