so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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