I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
a search helicopter?!
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
She swung at the pinata with crutches
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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