when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
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Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
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You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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