so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
