Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
