Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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