JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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