don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
