did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
