Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
