Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
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