Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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