I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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