cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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