I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
