I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
