I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
