I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
My dick has a subreddit
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Come on in and take your pants off
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