DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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