Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
