I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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