I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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