She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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