I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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