You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
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