you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
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It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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