You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.