You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
i love accidental penises.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?