i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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