At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
