things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
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