It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
