I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Randomize
