Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
