dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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