Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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