i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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