someone get that fucking seahorse.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
