I don't usually arrange sex via text message
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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