You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
