Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
