She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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