So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
