He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Randomize
