i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
