when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
