I am midnight drunk by noon
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
