There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
Randomize
