I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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