I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
