You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
