the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
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Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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